So...

I'm back then.. earlier than expected..but then a) I'm as per usual dependent on others to give me a lift and b) apparently Tod starts at 8ish and thus finishes early, say 1ish.

It was better than expected, although I suppose the L Word has manifested itself as a surreal world that may only remotely as such exist in LA, certainly not in Tod. But I was there to forget, to have fun and dance my heart out, which at times (music permitting) I did.

But then... still.. I couldn't stop thinking... probably being asked by R and S a few times if I had seen anybody I'd fancied made me even more aware... well.. Cat popped back into my mind too many times. Some of the music titles being played I just know she would have enjoyed so much.. and having had her there would have probably made me just loose it anyway. I still wonder why she comes to my mind so often... actually I think I know the answer..who am I kidding... because I did love her.. and because there is still no kind of closure. The way things ended were just.. well they were just not. And it doesn't help that I am very aware it is her birthday today on the 15th.
She seemed too perfect...looks and personality wise...yet I still think it is a real loss and shame we never had the chance to give it a go. I will never know what could have been...and I guess that bugs me.

After all .. I still miss you.. we would have had a blast... just magnify what was and you get something that would go beyond a mind's capacity.

The nice person I am.. or should I say the maso person I am... will write to you...and wish you a nice birthday. I still feel obliged to write back to you, returning your feedback comment. It puzzles me though.. you seem to care, but then you didn't.. and then you do again, and then you don't. I guess that doesn't help with closure...

You stepped into my life...from one day to another... and the ride we had was literally breathtaking... and as quickly as you came you went..when I was still somehow thinking I was on that rollercoaster...but you had stepped out of it a few stops before...just that I didn't realise.

C'est la vie... they say.... times heals and helps...they say... it's true... just the in between sucks.. big time.

I hope you're doing well though..and I hope you don't regret..neither me, nor what/who came after me, even though it feels to me that it goes against everything you told me. Go and live the life you deserve...be happy and content.. I seek the same for myself.. shame it wasn't to be with you though.. a real shame though.... goodbye to you, who never was and never will be...