my friend's reply.. and my reply to her... a loooong loooong read!

She's nailed it spot on...sometimes a mirror is all you need, no?

Hey Chicka,

I have no idea where to start with your email lol bless you. I guess the beginning would be a good start :o)

Now you can tell me to shut up and go away but im just guna give you my opinion on what i think about what you wrote, im hoping it will make sense to you because im not good with words at all and im sure im about to tell you what you already know anyway but hopefully it will help you even if its just a little bit.

Its very obvious that you are depressed, i read your emails and i just wana give you a big hug.
In my opinion i think you have lost your way abit, maybe forgot why you moved to the UK and what you have spent time studying for.

I know this whole thing with her has really been a big part of that and i wish i knew the answer of how you get over this but unfortunately i dont think there is an answer and it is just one of them things that you may never get over or on the other hand it might just click in your head one day and you will be over it.

I was suprised to hear you have spoke to her again, you had told me she had messaged you before and you told her about you extension and i remember you wrote back but she didnt reply so thats why it suprised me she wrote back again after that but i was glad to hear you got the courage to ask her outright what the deal was even tho the reply you got made me a little mad on your behalf, but saying that i was impressed you have deleted everything of hers that is a very big step and hopefully you are starting the process of getting over her.

She may have been your dream woman but trust me when i say you will find that love again and it may be even stronger. i agree with her that you do have alot to offer somebody special and it would not take long for somebody to snap you up but i know you are not ready for someone else yet and i think you need to stop putting pressure on yourself that you MUST have a gf, first thing you need to do is get 'you' back, you have had some down times and its hard to pick yourself up but you have to start enjoying your life and living each day as it comes because you dont know whats going to happen tomorrow and trying to second guess the future does nobody any good.....live for today not tomorrow is my moto.

As for your results, well im really crossing everything for you that you get the marks you hope for, you have done everything you can now and im sure it turned out better than you think you have, when is it you get the results???

He is my thoughts on what you do now, i think you have completed it at the completely wrong time with the economic crisis but what you have is a skill and if there are no jobs around right now take them low salary jobs because thats whats going to get you more experience and a foot on the ladder.

Now my thoughts on where you go.... you said you like hudds but you feel you need to get away to better yourself and yes London would be ideal as im sure there are lots of companies dealing in your field, America would be a good experience but im thinking there is only one real reason why you wana go there and if that would be worse for you because of the memories.
What i want to say to you is wherever you go your problems wont go away, if anything you should stay where you have friends untill you get back on track and get your confidence back.
You seem to me as an ambitious woman that wants to travel the word and have a bright carreer and you have to remember why you started all this in the first place, why you left your home country to move to the UK, ok it was for your then gf but what i mean is that was a big step and you decided to study here and get a degree to then move on to a good job and become a miwlionaire (like del boy) :o) so what happened to your drive for that? you cant let one girl ruin all that for you.

Let me tell you something, when i first met you on that site i didnt see us talking how we do today, ill be honest i quite fancied you (i hate that word) and i used to get really happy when we spoke and would really look forward to hearing from you, but of course id only seen erm certain bits of you and its easy to like someone online especially in them circumstances where it is fuelled by arousal as such. but then when we started talking away from that i started seeing you in a different light, i saw the deeper side of you, the real you as such and in fact what i see is a confident bright woman with alot going for herself.

What im trying to say is if you could just see the positives in things instead of getting down about all the dramas in your life you will be a stonger person for it, work towards your goals and you will go far, stop looking for that woman and she will come to you, you won me over lol thats quite an achievement as im so untrusting of every woman that comes along now, but im not trying to freak you out and i hope i havnt im just saying and have said before i think you are attractive and a great person and im happy to be your friend and also that you undeerestimate yourself to much and once your confidence is back god knows what you will be able to achive.

Right well if any of that made sense i deserve a medal lol i told you im rubbish at writing and getting my thoughts across but i hope what i did say gave you abit of food for thought, that is if you understood any of it :O)

Also please dont say sorry for not being intouch, i knew you was stressed with your diss which is why i didnt keep emailing you and bothering you and i totally understand about going into your shell because i do that to but im glad your back now and i hope we can keep chatting and hopefully i can try to help you get through your troubles.

As for me, well in a nutshell, im not much better than you, work is non existent and im trying to look for work but as you know there is nothing out there or what is there is for professionals, teachers, doctors, and i have no qualifications so im totally screwed and am at the end of my tether with it to be honest so thats really getting me down and ive done a you and have gone into my shell and dont want to see anyone or go out so its quite bad, but im sure ill be ok and ill go into it abit more another time because i think i have some inner problems i really need to deal with but ill talk to you about that another time.

Im going to leave it there as i need to get of this pc now cos i still have a headache and its hurting my eyes but i will speak to you again if you are still talking to me after that rubbish email lol and i hope your w-end got better and you had a good day today.

So big hugs to you and ill speak to you soon

Night night

So here's my reply to her...

Hey ...

sorry it's taken me so long to reply.. I've had nightmare days..in fact just even twenty minutes ago I've had another nightmare come round to me... and it makes me wonder what is the fucking point. Sorry if I'm not in the best mood but I'm really annoyed at some friend's accusation. I can understand her disappointment and stuff.. but I don't feel I'm the one to be blamed for a mess, but she seemingly makes me out as one to be blamed. As she's my closest friend besides my ex (with whom I need to talk a few things straight too, so it's not going well with her on my side) I now feel even crapper than already, which is a miracle as I frankly didn't think it could get any worse.

I sincerely hope that you didn't think me not replying had anything to do with what you wrote because quite frankly you pretty much NAILED it in your mail. With everything about me, her, finding myself, depression, etc...
Your words are true and accurate with regard to my depression, yup, it's back, and it's affecting an already low self-esteem big time, on top of the events that I've had to go through in the last 9 months well even years when I started to come more or less clean about myself, which was in the third quarter of 2006) Sory I digress.. my mind is all over the place.
Yes, you do express yourself in a differernt way, and our educational background will have played a part in that. But honestly I don't care! Your words are poignant and come from the heart, I can tell. So if you do use fancy language or not doesn't matter. In fact I think your way of saying things is much better as it goes straight to the point rather than some fancy crap, no beating around the bush.. which is probably best for me anyway. My counsellor has always been adamant that she never gives me advice as such.. she merely acts as a mirror.. and relays back what I've come up with.. and that's hard.. but best. After all I'm the one with the answers, not her. And the same I find here with you.. Your frankness ( or as you probably put it, your lack of expressing yourself in a different/fancy way) is much better suited, as it acts like a mirror again. I do value it.. so don't you start some flowery rubbish on me now ;D

Anyhow.. some more info for you what's been going on then.. On Friday I got the worst news I could have had... and this will hopefully get my down of your high horse of yours ... cos my tutor emailed me about my diss... I failed. Yes, you read correctly.. in fact it' s the first time I'm typing the f-word out here (and that's not the Gordon Ramsey F-word !).
That is a blow I am not sure how and when to recover from. It has shattered virtually the minuscule little self-esteem that there was left. To add insult to injury (in my eyes) the fail is not down to the content (which is, I quote, sound (not brill obviously)), but to some technical considerations, which translates as problems with my referencing. What ever that means. My tutor has been coy with details.. I am still waiting for a proper feedback, but for that my work needs to be sent back from the external examiner (the marking process involves my tutor, another one from my school, then an external examiner from a different uni to verify the other two's mark). I have yet to hear from Ian (tutor). The good news as Ian puts it, but not in my eyes, the work can be re-submitted.. but the mark I can get for that is just a measly "pass". Right now obviously I haven't even reached that basic level.

The implications for me on this are as follows:
a) I've failed the most vital part of my course
b) The hard work I put into the course right before the diss feels now nullified as my overall mark is heavily affected.. I was on 72% before the diss (which meatn a first, or in postgrad studies a distinction as there's no degree classification), and with the max of a pass that I can attain after re-submission it'll drop down to (what I perceive as insignificant) around 60%.
c) my confidence and self-esteem have plummeted from -100 to -infinite, making what I already struggle with (i.e. trying to sell myself in an economic crisis) even harder. In fact I've lost the will to..which don't help of course, I'm perfectly aware of it.
d) I have yet to tell my parents.. which will be just as hard as accepting failure for myself (having let myself down, again not using my full potential, etc). I'm trying to see that they will be more disappointed for me than in me.. but somehow that conclusion goes further and further the more I think about it. I've always achieved, and usually ok to well. so their talk of "of course you'll pass, with flying flags, we have full confidence in you" is really hard to swallow now and tell them the truth.
e) I'm pretty puzzled as to how my referencing can affect the mark so heavily as in the past I have prided myself on the very fact I was doing a good job there. It's never been criticised in my other works before, in fact the opposite at some points. So I'm left to be confused even more.

So there.. that's a lot of stuff there, going on for me right now.
As I mentioned, it does affect my current steps for the future pretty heavily.
For me, having at least a good degree was supposed to overcome the lack of experience in the industry.. acting like a spring board to sell me (and I didn't even have confidence in the product, ie me, before) with a piece of paper proving it, being on a par with my peers/competitors who all have done (very)well. Right now I've done worse than the lowlives of my course..and I feel worse than people who are half capable than me.. a very bitter pill to swallow.
I have spoken to my close friend Cathy, whith whom I'm having the aforementioned problems right now, and with my ex.. and they tried to console me and pointed out to be less harsh on myself there (as did Jo, my counsellor to whom I spoke on TUE about all this). But right now I'm pretty inconsolable. The amount of stress this diss caused me.. and the fact that it took me so long i all nullified as I'll have to do i again. I don't know yet to what degree (depends on teh feedback I will receive on my work).. but I quite frankly can't face doing this again. Not even remotely. On top.. I may not graduate at the same time with my peers, which is not the worst thing at all, it would be sad, but not the end of the world.. but it affects my parents who have I think already booked flights for that occasion to come over. Yes, I'm dreading telling them.. but I have no choice not to, besides I can't lie them in the face anyways, after all their support (financial) for this course. That would cause me too much guilt.

As for my ex.. well I mentioned that to you that I struggle to see her with her new GF.. as it basically reminds me of what I didn't have with her but so deperately wanted. And how it now makes me feel used to the degree that when things went wrong the thank you for the good times was actually the being dumped when the first problems arose, and she's now matured through me, leaving me behind a mess.
Lately I've noticed that I miss her as the friend she was before her GF came over to live with her.. whenever I see her they are always together and it's hard to have time with just her. Don't get me wrong, I've stopped resenting her GF a long time ago, but I want my friend back. I have a sneaky feeling she doesn't know how to put us two into one hat... when ever I get a call from her she's on her way home from work.. takes her less than ten minutes on the car. So not much time to talk some proper talk..heart to heart... and as soon as she arrives at home she sort of finsihes the call, as if she didn't want to get into her flat (with the GF there) ton the phone with me for her GF to notice.
Now the latter bit there is something I'v only noticed recently.. but I haven't had a chance to talk to her about that yet..I know the whole situation is tricky because her GF did play part in the breakup.. it's all complicated.. but I'm left feeling I'm loosing the closest person I have. Well.. her turning her back on me to a degree. And that feeling is crap since I trust so very few people, and one of them is soon longer going to be there for me with her support (i.e. my counsellor). Again I feel I have only myself to turn to in the hardest times.. and that at a tiem when my energy and confidence in my self are rock bottom.
I hope I don't sound like a pile of self pity there.. despite me being so low I feel I am still pretty realistic.. I value your frankness so if you think I'm drifting into the pity party corner feel free to give me a frank talk.. I appreciate it more than fancy pish pash!

Now.. I remember I smiled when I read the bit about you telling me you fancied me...... or my bits.. or both.. lol...or shall I say crushed on me since you don't like the word fancy.. I actually quite fancy the word fancy, lol.
I'm flattered, seriously.. and I can perfectly understand where you are coming from (i.e. feelign or somebody having met under the circumstances we did..). I think the problem with the net is basically that it does allow one to build an image of a person to the degree it may becaome an infatuation. It's an infatuation that can easily be fuelled but the other party, one is in control of what to give the other.. just enough to keep it going, just enough not destroy a perfect image. Letting the real you shine is much harder too, whichof course sounds contradictory, but that's the advantage of the net of course. You can be you, without fearing repercussions. After all, it's just at the touch of a click and the contact can cease. Or be revived. Which ever is desired. But the danger of such a quick infatuation with somebody, well I've been there, obviously! Didn't help she fuelled it so much.. and I still believe she was on the same road to begin with.. and then took a different turn to me, only she didn't tell me and I found out when I looked and she had vanished from my side. Ok.. getting metaphorical again.. and talking about her doesn't help too much... rambling.. my bad habbit. I have obviously a lot to tell, ha ha.

Anyhow.. I'm glad you value our friendship in the way you do.. and I've never felt stalked or creeped or what have you, lol.. I think you'd by now noticed if I had I wouldn't be writing essays back to you, lol. We may be quite oposite people in the way we are, but sometimes that is not a bad thing :) I guess it helped to deepen what was there in the first place.

Now on to you.. since I have this habbit to talk about myself for hours!
I'm sorry to hear that the situation is really getting worse there.. you've invested so much into your business it must be heartbreaking to see it go down the drains. In fact it must be more than heartbreaking since it's existential too. I really hope for a better turn.. but I don't really have any advice ;(
As for retreating into a shell.. I totally understand (obviously)... but I'm glad you seem not to have lost too much optimism..and feel confident enough not to give up.
As for those inner problems you have mentioned.. feel free to talk to me when you are ready.. no pressure, ok. I'd feel honoured if you trust me enough but there's no obligation. We all have chips on our shoulders.. some people have acknowledged them, some dont. Some have a bigger one than others.. and some are more visible than others. But we all do have them.. and those who acknowledge and deal with them are probably doing better then those who don't.

Big hug back to you... thanks for your reading eyes.. I ought to send you some paracetamol for those headaches, they must be caused by all those essays I write, keeping you staring on the screen for hours, lol.
I'm going to check my other email now.. there's a new one sitting in there.. and I have an incling it's my friend replying to my frank words (the blame and stuff I mentioned at the start). I better brace myself. And then i'll double check my uni mail to see if there's finally some more feedback on my diss.. so it's going to be a tough day.. on top it's all sunny here, adding insult to injury, ha.. oh well.. if it was raining I'd have said how fitting the grey clouds and stuff would be for the current situation.. so can't please me either way, pfft.

Anyhow.. well done for making it this far.
Best wishes for you down south... hugs again!!

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Another try..

I'm still trying to get the hang of mobile blogging..it seems that for SE phones the easiest way is adding a pic..so voila, I present you with a new addition of me..enjoy

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En route...

On the way to MAN..the closer we get the greyer the sky..one could think it's a sing considering the purpose of my journey. Odd but true..it's depressing,as if it wasn't already enough. Tough times..when the shit hits the fan there's a lot of crap to be wiped. You gotta love proverbs and puns..so poignant.
I don't even want to think about how many weeks only i have left..and despite the fact the looming ending has sped up the process it's just not the time to end it..not now when it's all going to pieces.

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a long email to a friend.. turning into an outpooring essay about myself right now

Hey ..

lol.. noway did I get bored with you! My apologies for not being in touch.
The diss was handed in.. it was a relief, which lasted only a day.. and then more worrying set in.. and more stress and other stuff to deal with (yup, heart matters..). Actually it won't be long to get my mark.. and I'm worried.. whilst writing the piece of work I had the chance to send bits to my supervisor to check for correct content, etc... I never did as I feared if I handed some stuff in and it would come back badly then I'd have even more work to do and more stress to cope with. So I never did get any feedback from my supervisor and have not the slightest indication as to where I stand with my work. When I wrote it I cycled through euphoria and dispair...from one minute to the other.. thinking what I wrote was good.. then thinking WTF, this is far too basic.
Soon I'll find out... I'm dreading it. I had an envelope from uni through the post the other day.. and I knew it couldn't be the result, but as soon as I noticed it was from uni I had the sensation of a punch in my tummy because the initial thought was actually... oh my god.. the mark.

So.. that is still all hanging in the air... and I have not even really started looking much for work. I'm really burying my head in the sand, which I know is not the right thing to do at all... but I feel pretty low for a variety of reasons. My tiny little job research has brought up not much at all... obviously it's difficult in the current climate to get a job.. but I feel so inexperienced and not specialised with a particular field in translation (e.g. legal translation, medical, technical, etc...) that it's so hard to get my foot in the door. I know I'm already dispairing before actually making a step onto the market.. I am literally dreading to look at my CV and update it with my course content.. and some other random bits and bobs. I just think that apart from a nice layout my CV is less than average, and thus won't get me far. And no, I won't lie on it either.
On top I don't really know what I really want job wise. Well I know a few things.. such as I want to work for a company that is big, has offices in several countries, can pay a salaray that is not 14k ( my previous job paid that, and one didn't need any degree for that.. it was a charity, so I understand they won't pay much, but I had about 900quid per month after tax.. I couldn't live on that anymore.. besides I will hopefully be educated to Masters level and therefore be able to get a better salary.) I would like the chance to work with other people and not on my own at home (which is what freelance/self-emplyed translators do).. that loneliness is already adding to my depression.. that won't do me any good at all. Some decent times such as 9-5, give or take some hours will be nice.. and I also want to the chance to develop skills that are related to translation software (our course so marginally touched on it, I have forgotten everything).
All that you get in what is called an in-house job.. with a big company... where of course the competition is fierce (don't help when you have zero confidence in your ability) as even those big players have very limited offeres available (if at all.. cue the economic climate too).
I don't know if I should go for a placement/internship actually, this could be a foot in the door of course, but then you get paid a pittance if anything at all.
Ok.. and I still haven't finished yet.. apologies.. it's a long mail.. you unleashed a beast ;)
Well.. I have also been thinking of where to work of course. THe USA has eversince been on my mind.. not because I love the country.. but of course because of her... Especially New York.. "our" supposed meeting place. I'm sure the city is awesome, despite being a monster.. so freaking big. But I'm also thinking that even though I don't like big cities that much (London for example..it always means so many tourists, higher prices, difficult to get a flat/appartment, etc... you get my drift).. they give me a better chance to dive back into some lesbian community.. I am deperate to conect back with it on a real world level. The online peeps are ok.. it's often easier to make steps there because of anonymity.. but the real life contact is irreplaceable. And I feel really isolated here in Hudds. So I'm thinking in my daft logic: the bigger the city, the bigger the ladies' scene (not that I do like the idea of a scene per se.. but it seems the one and only connecting point). And yes.. of course I'd like to meet a potential GF too.. but I know I'm not ready as such yet.

So anyhow, I digress... yeah I've been thinking of leaving Hudds behind... which will be sad because it is my home and has all my (few) friends and people I know..but I must make steps forward I think. And London would be a big step (lots of big companies are there..it's the capital after all).. and the USA would be an even bigger step. And it's super difficutl to get a visa and work permit of course. SO maybe CAnada might be better. Aus and NZ is too far I think and NZ too small.
So I'm doing all this thinking.. and I'm trying to rationalise and justify my possible options there.. and even though I can come up with some answers such as: a move will be good in terms of broadening my English (from British ENG to AMER. ENG), living in a foreign country is always good, bla bla bla.. I think I'm still secretly chasing after a ghost with the USA.. well a person that has become one. I never ever before thought of the USA as a country to work and/or live in... I really blame my intermezzo with her for it.. Plus I'm also aware how much of a "fleeing" such move can be... Yes.. I want to leave a lot of crap behind.. but that's never the right thing to do.. well I burried all my crap in the past.. until it caught up with me.. and fleeing it is no longer an option.. I'm too slow these days, and it always catches me. So I'm left like a scared animal caught in the headlights of a car... I know I must move (i.e. make a decision sooner than later re: work/career).. but I just want to stay put.. despite knowing it's the worst thing to do. Or I can try my luck and try to escape (i.e. just do it.. take the risk and try my luck wherever I guess). Neverthelss it all feels pretty overwhelming and bleak.

Right.. that's quite a lot about work and career... I'm afraid it doesn't stop there.
I told you about my counselling.. well.. in about 9 weeks (that means 9 sessions) it must end. I have thought about the end in the past.. not because I thought I was ready for it to end.. but of course with my course ending and job search I was aware of the implications a possible re-location has. Well.. the way it is being provided to me is being changed by the organisation who offers it. They are within their rights.. and the change (i.e. ending) has been announced to me well in advance... but where I currently am at with it is probably the worst time to end it. Right now, Jo and me are trying not to rush through everything in order to make the most of the time left, but it feels like it. Of course the few weeks left also mean being more concise and dense...and the pressure of the looming end has made us work more efffectively.. still though it feels as if my only walking aid after I had both legs crushed is being taken away. Not only is that terribly frustrating as I can't do anything about it (it's not my nor Jo's decision to end it).. but it's also very scary. That one hour a week has become my only (but also most effective ever) outlet for my emotional health as I feel truely connected to Jo.. her unconditional support is something I've never experienced before.. and it has helped me to stay sane, lol. I fear what is going to happen after it ends. I am not sure if I want and can open up again so much to another person (ie counsellor, although I do wonder if I can do the same with a future GF too, albeit on a different level, with a different dynamic). I feel safe with Jo.. and depite having some good friends I feel mostly in tune with her. And before you ask, lol, no I'm not in love with or crushing on her at all. The connection I feel with her is on a level that is totally unrelated to love and physical attraction hence it's become so very precious.

Anyway...that's a loss in my life.. or so it feels to me... and seeing that I have discovered through the counselling how much loss I have experienced in my life so far, and the way it has shaped me as a person.. the loss is like a pattern... the harder I try to avoid/not experience, the more it comes back to me. It's actually going beyond a streak of bad luck. Well, I'm trying to make sense of all the different incidents of course.. and over the course of the counselling I have been able to see those connections.. but it also esentially means that I'm dealing with heaps of crap right now.. when I think the job&career situation is already enough to deal with.
I've also come to realise that because of how many times I've lost.. I struggle greatly to "let go"... even of people who have essentiall all treated me badly in the sense that they dumped me, in the worst manner possible, including her. Yes, we never said we had a relationship.. but having had such intense feelings for her it probably was one, at least in my head.
And letting go of her, despite the way she behaved towards me eventually, is still so very difficult for me. Rationally that can't be explained of couse.. nobody wants to cling to a person who treated you very badly and hurt you and lied to you and deceived you. That is just not a rational thing to do. Yet she meant so much to me then that my intense feelings for her are the only explanation I have as to why I can't let go. She was the first after my break up with my GF, she ticked so many boxes of what I want in somebody.. letting go of some form of dream is hard obviously.. especially when you had to give up (involuntarily) so many before. Just makes you cling on to them harder.
She was always more or less on my mind when I wrote my diss.. and she saw my AE status when I finished. Actually in JAN she already left me a message to say congrats for handing it in.. she thought I had finished then, not knowing I had anther extension till March. I replied a few lines to her then.. telling her about the new deadline.. she never replied.
Then when she saw that I did finsih in March she left me a message again, congratulating me and wishing me well. I didn't reply straight away.. I felt quite overwhelmed with finishing the diss and her message as such (still wondering why she contacted me again when she didn't reply to my other messages in the past). A few days later I replied.. and also sent her my birthday wishes (mid March) in the same message...alongside a few philosphical quotes about life and whathave you ( I received a present for my birthday from her, albeit late.. but my birthday in November was actually the last time we spoke and saw each other on cam and MSN).
Again.. I never received any reply or even lines to mine.
I never wrote anything accusing.. always wished her well for her life, etc.. but she never wrote anything back. I really was wondering why she contacted me in the first place. If she cared still so much about me that she felt compelled to wish me luck and congrats for my work then why never reply to my few lines that were totally neutral.
Fastforward a few weeks and I spoke to a friend on MSN for the first time in month (that is using MSN again). I still have her on my contact list there.. so I could see when she came online. Once the conversation with my friend ended.. I didn't rush it off..I sat there with my computer thinking...I still wanted answers from her re: not replying.. Her strange behaviour really puzzled me... so I plucked up the courage... and send her a line... saying Hi...asking if I was interrupting.. She said Hi back.. and no, she's free to talk.. and asking me what's up. I suppose she was surprised to get a message from me. I surprised myself in contacting her actually.
I eventually asked her quite straight out why she never replied (after thanking her for her messages as I genuinely felt she meant what she said in them) to my replies...
She paused.. and then said... she felt they didn't need replying. And that she sensed it was still difficult for me... and that if I would prefer she wouldn't contact me again in the future.
What a reply, no? Well.. I told her that I don't think I needed to type my answer in as to if I wanted her to contact me again as I felt we both knew the answer to that question anyway.
There was then some general talk.. wishing each other well... some pep talk from her to me (which I think was meant and not pretend, maybe only with a little bit of guilt, if at all), including how great I am, and how much I have to offer, and how easy it'll be for me to get somebody if I go and put myself on the dating market, bla bla...and then we just said goodbye to each other, again wishing each other well.
The whole convo lasted maybe 30 minutes... it was the first time since Nov 4th that I spoke to her directly again.. after that date there were the few emails that ensued after I mentioned a few things to her and then subsequently discovered about her and A (I'm sure I mentioned that in Jan or so I noticed she's now engaged to her).
On MSN she also now uses a pic of her and A... I conveniently shifted the messenger window so I couldn't see the pic while chatting to her. Seeing them (happily) together is too mcuh for me obviously... and even just seeing her picture on AE is still giving me stomach punch sensations.. incredible.. but sadly true.
Anyway.. I cried a little during the convo.. and afterwards (didn't tell her though).. and then proceeded to delete all emails of her... and all personal messages on AE...everything. The very first message I had from her (just initial contact, saying hi and thanking for the ad as a buddy on the site, etc)..the more steamy ones.. and the ones that followed the rupture between her and me. Including all my sent emails and PMs.. Totally everything, the lot. I had taken off all the files related to her from my computers before.. ok I admit they are on a CD, burnt on to it, but that cd is hidden, including my birthday present, the card and the envelope it came in. Deleting all this felt good and terrible at the same time. Like cutting the last cord..hopefully it will be more like a relief.. cutting a weight dragging you down.. and hopefully I can swim back to the surface.. I can't afford to go under, to drown in it..in her.

So.. that whole convo and action was sending me into quite some mood for the next weeks (while I'm also trying to deal with my work/career situation..the counselling situation... and my ex and her GF (she now lives with my ex, she previously lived abroad) and how they both behave in front of me and how it makes me feel in general and with regard to my ex, bla bla bla). Probably understandable that I wasn't in the most communicative mood.. and that you now have indeed unleased a beast and get a mega outpoor/update.

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I don't even have a title for this one...

Having just come out of a chat to her, the first since November 08, the first direct interaction ever since, I'm emotional and drained.. Mostly I feel sad.. an opportunity gone, taken away without me being able to have done differently. A loss..thus the grief that ensued.
I wonder if I react like a child that has been taken away its favourite toy... but that's not the same situation is it? It's a different loss... another one.. on top of the others.

Yes, it was me who contacted her...I initiated the chat.. too curious about an answer I wanted. I got it.. and I can understand it , but it still doesn't taste nice nor go down well.
I miss her.. it's not the most overwhelming feeling.. but the hurt the loss leaves is. I grieve for somebody that was never meant to be...that never could be.. and dare I say wanted to be. I mourn the loss of somebody who was one person to me... and in RL maybe very different; yet what I had, or was given, appealed so much to me..and then it just went away. I didn't even have a chance to fight to hold on to what I felt was precious. Gone again.. like scooping water with your hands...so hard to get to it in the first place, digging through the mud (or shit even).. then keeping it in your hands is tricky.. but when it evades you despite your hardest efforts, all you can do is see the drops fall down and vaporise on the ground when they have left your palms...like tears running down your face...they dry eventually, but you can still feel them lingering on your cheeks for long, a reminder of the pain.

I want to believe what you told me.. I truely do.. I do not doubt you mean nothing but well.. despite everything. I so very much want to believe not only you, but all the others too... what you all see in me, I want to be and feel for myself... but the harder I try to narrow the gap of my own perception and yours..the more I want to believe in myself.. the more I fail.. and see nothing... Instead of narrowing the gap, my attempts result in seeing a wider gap than ever before. The more others see things in me, believe in me.. the less I see them in myself..and wonder who is wrong.. the others.. or me in my assessment. They cannot all be wrong..can they? So if they are not.. I must be, no? There's only those two outcomes..

It feels I have no control over myself anymore.. I don't know anything anymore.. and the more others try and tell me what I supposedly know, the more that discrepancy becomes apparent. Who am I... and what do I want? I don't know it.. and probably never have. But I must.. must be part of sth I feel is not me.. but then I don't know what I am.. and it becomes apparent I'm spinning and spinning in a vicious circle... with no eject button.. at least no permanent one. There's a temporary relief.. one hour a week... for only 11 more.... and then... I wonder.. will I spiral even more out of control?

The harder I try to let go.. the more it clings on to me... the harder I try to shake you off.. the more I don't want to loose you.. because I felt I made a good choice.. a careful choice, if it is a choice indeed; the heart chooses, not the brain.. and my heart did choose.. and I tried to tell the brain it was the right choice. And my brain, after careful consideration, agreed... and then both were made to being wrong. No wonder they are both in tatters now....

I so wanted you...and felt I had you...I could practically touch you..albeit like through a glass wall that seperated us... but I could feel it.. could feel you...and then it the room and glass turned black from one second to the other.. no longer was I able to see and feel.. and hear and be... lights switched off. Back in that dark room.. no lights, no windows.. The breath of fresh air, first so hard to take in because it was so strong and mindblowing, gone as quickly as it had come into that dark cell. You give.. and when you take and like what you are given how can you not struggle when it's gone.

I cannot give anymore.. I don't have the energy. Having enabled so many times I want to receive... and when I do, it's taken away. What is left to do in that situation then.. who can be so strong to continue...can I be so strong? I don't feel like it.. at all.. yet have to keep going.. I don't even have a choice to rest.. and stop.. I have to go with the flow.. and what really matters, me, is left behind.. sad and lonely... grieving, mourning, hurting and sad...and tears are rolling down my face...

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it's been a while...

and actually I'm not in a blogging mood at all... in bed already, well past 1am, but anyways... I guess I just can't seem to get my thoughts together, never actually mind getting them down in print.

So much is happening (or not) right now that at times my head feels like too full of thoughts.

Gotta find a job, but too scared... gotta rewrite my CV for that.. what the hell can a nobody put on that so freaking important piece of paper? I just don't have what it takes to go to where I want to be. It seems so pointless to face your own misery, no wonder I'm such a great procrastinator. It's pure anxiety.

Gotta face that in exactly 11 weeks I will no longer be able to receive counselling.. the one and only thing in my life that has provided me with stability for the past two or so years. I'm dreading it.. my only emotional outlet, one measly hour a week...and it's being taken away from me...I think I'll go crazy. How on earth wil I be able to cope without Jo...who is a stranger whilst at the same time probably the only person on this planet who knows the real me. Never have I come across somebody so empathic and sympathetic towards me without demanding anything back. It took so long for me to realise this, and at times I still don't get it. But I'm not supposed to..she'S there for me, but only 11 more times. And then... a big void and emptiness.. like the rest of my life. My only walking aid will be gone...knowing exactly that I am not fit enough to walk on my own. I hate the powerlessness..I hate it...and dread it.

Gotta deal with my ex's new GF..and how they interact with each other.. I see her having matured as a person... probably thanks to me.. but seriously.. I can't take that anymore. I want a person who is out.. I can't keep enabling people who then leave me. I am not jealous as such.. but I wished she was more out with me.. like she seems now with her new GF...despite the many hickups the two have had.. and probably will continue to have. I just don't want to be the enabler anymore.. and then be dumped. It makes me feel used. And it drains or has drained me to the point where I no longer have the energy to cope with it. Nor do I want to. I have no energy and drive already..the little left, if any at all, has to be preserved for me and my own good. If not I'll just crumble.

On a different note..I have a ticket to a PvD gig in Leeds... and am hoping that his 4hour set will be like a four hour full body orgasm.. although I am well aware that expecting so much right now may very well end up in disappointment eventually.. so I better not get my hopes up too much. Still.. I hope it'll be great.. but I wish I could have taken her with me.. I'm sure she would have loved it. You don't know what you have missed out on.. namely me...but you chose sb else.. it makes me so very sad.

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