a long email to a friend.. turning into an outpooring essay about myself right now

Hey ..

lol.. noway did I get bored with you! My apologies for not being in touch.
The diss was handed in.. it was a relief, which lasted only a day.. and then more worrying set in.. and more stress and other stuff to deal with (yup, heart matters..). Actually it won't be long to get my mark.. and I'm worried.. whilst writing the piece of work I had the chance to send bits to my supervisor to check for correct content, etc... I never did as I feared if I handed some stuff in and it would come back badly then I'd have even more work to do and more stress to cope with. So I never did get any feedback from my supervisor and have not the slightest indication as to where I stand with my work. When I wrote it I cycled through euphoria and dispair...from one minute to the other.. thinking what I wrote was good.. then thinking WTF, this is far too basic.
Soon I'll find out... I'm dreading it. I had an envelope from uni through the post the other day.. and I knew it couldn't be the result, but as soon as I noticed it was from uni I had the sensation of a punch in my tummy because the initial thought was actually... oh my god.. the mark.

So.. that is still all hanging in the air... and I have not even really started looking much for work. I'm really burying my head in the sand, which I know is not the right thing to do at all... but I feel pretty low for a variety of reasons. My tiny little job research has brought up not much at all... obviously it's difficult in the current climate to get a job.. but I feel so inexperienced and not specialised with a particular field in translation (e.g. legal translation, medical, technical, etc...) that it's so hard to get my foot in the door. I know I'm already dispairing before actually making a step onto the market.. I am literally dreading to look at my CV and update it with my course content.. and some other random bits and bobs. I just think that apart from a nice layout my CV is less than average, and thus won't get me far. And no, I won't lie on it either.
On top I don't really know what I really want job wise. Well I know a few things.. such as I want to work for a company that is big, has offices in several countries, can pay a salaray that is not 14k ( my previous job paid that, and one didn't need any degree for that.. it was a charity, so I understand they won't pay much, but I had about 900quid per month after tax.. I couldn't live on that anymore.. besides I will hopefully be educated to Masters level and therefore be able to get a better salary.) I would like the chance to work with other people and not on my own at home (which is what freelance/self-emplyed translators do).. that loneliness is already adding to my depression.. that won't do me any good at all. Some decent times such as 9-5, give or take some hours will be nice.. and I also want to the chance to develop skills that are related to translation software (our course so marginally touched on it, I have forgotten everything).
All that you get in what is called an in-house job.. with a big company... where of course the competition is fierce (don't help when you have zero confidence in your ability) as even those big players have very limited offeres available (if at all.. cue the economic climate too).
I don't know if I should go for a placement/internship actually, this could be a foot in the door of course, but then you get paid a pittance if anything at all.
Ok.. and I still haven't finished yet.. apologies.. it's a long mail.. you unleashed a beast ;)
Well.. I have also been thinking of where to work of course. THe USA has eversince been on my mind.. not because I love the country.. but of course because of her... Especially New York.. "our" supposed meeting place. I'm sure the city is awesome, despite being a monster.. so freaking big. But I'm also thinking that even though I don't like big cities that much (London for example..it always means so many tourists, higher prices, difficult to get a flat/appartment, etc... you get my drift).. they give me a better chance to dive back into some lesbian community.. I am deperate to conect back with it on a real world level. The online peeps are ok.. it's often easier to make steps there because of anonymity.. but the real life contact is irreplaceable. And I feel really isolated here in Hudds. So I'm thinking in my daft logic: the bigger the city, the bigger the ladies' scene (not that I do like the idea of a scene per se.. but it seems the one and only connecting point). And yes.. of course I'd like to meet a potential GF too.. but I know I'm not ready as such yet.

So anyhow, I digress... yeah I've been thinking of leaving Hudds behind... which will be sad because it is my home and has all my (few) friends and people I know..but I must make steps forward I think. And London would be a big step (lots of big companies are there..it's the capital after all).. and the USA would be an even bigger step. And it's super difficutl to get a visa and work permit of course. SO maybe CAnada might be better. Aus and NZ is too far I think and NZ too small.
So I'm doing all this thinking.. and I'm trying to rationalise and justify my possible options there.. and even though I can come up with some answers such as: a move will be good in terms of broadening my English (from British ENG to AMER. ENG), living in a foreign country is always good, bla bla bla.. I think I'm still secretly chasing after a ghost with the USA.. well a person that has become one. I never ever before thought of the USA as a country to work and/or live in... I really blame my intermezzo with her for it.. Plus I'm also aware how much of a "fleeing" such move can be... Yes.. I want to leave a lot of crap behind.. but that's never the right thing to do.. well I burried all my crap in the past.. until it caught up with me.. and fleeing it is no longer an option.. I'm too slow these days, and it always catches me. So I'm left like a scared animal caught in the headlights of a car... I know I must move (i.e. make a decision sooner than later re: work/career).. but I just want to stay put.. despite knowing it's the worst thing to do. Or I can try my luck and try to escape (i.e. just do it.. take the risk and try my luck wherever I guess). Neverthelss it all feels pretty overwhelming and bleak.

Right.. that's quite a lot about work and career... I'm afraid it doesn't stop there.
I told you about my counselling.. well.. in about 9 weeks (that means 9 sessions) it must end. I have thought about the end in the past.. not because I thought I was ready for it to end.. but of course with my course ending and job search I was aware of the implications a possible re-location has. Well.. the way it is being provided to me is being changed by the organisation who offers it. They are within their rights.. and the change (i.e. ending) has been announced to me well in advance... but where I currently am at with it is probably the worst time to end it. Right now, Jo and me are trying not to rush through everything in order to make the most of the time left, but it feels like it. Of course the few weeks left also mean being more concise and dense...and the pressure of the looming end has made us work more efffectively.. still though it feels as if my only walking aid after I had both legs crushed is being taken away. Not only is that terribly frustrating as I can't do anything about it (it's not my nor Jo's decision to end it).. but it's also very scary. That one hour a week has become my only (but also most effective ever) outlet for my emotional health as I feel truely connected to Jo.. her unconditional support is something I've never experienced before.. and it has helped me to stay sane, lol. I fear what is going to happen after it ends. I am not sure if I want and can open up again so much to another person (ie counsellor, although I do wonder if I can do the same with a future GF too, albeit on a different level, with a different dynamic). I feel safe with Jo.. and depite having some good friends I feel mostly in tune with her. And before you ask, lol, no I'm not in love with or crushing on her at all. The connection I feel with her is on a level that is totally unrelated to love and physical attraction hence it's become so very precious.

Anyway...that's a loss in my life.. or so it feels to me... and seeing that I have discovered through the counselling how much loss I have experienced in my life so far, and the way it has shaped me as a person.. the loss is like a pattern... the harder I try to avoid/not experience, the more it comes back to me. It's actually going beyond a streak of bad luck. Well, I'm trying to make sense of all the different incidents of course.. and over the course of the counselling I have been able to see those connections.. but it also esentially means that I'm dealing with heaps of crap right now.. when I think the job&career situation is already enough to deal with.
I've also come to realise that because of how many times I've lost.. I struggle greatly to "let go"... even of people who have essentiall all treated me badly in the sense that they dumped me, in the worst manner possible, including her. Yes, we never said we had a relationship.. but having had such intense feelings for her it probably was one, at least in my head.
And letting go of her, despite the way she behaved towards me eventually, is still so very difficult for me. Rationally that can't be explained of couse.. nobody wants to cling to a person who treated you very badly and hurt you and lied to you and deceived you. That is just not a rational thing to do. Yet she meant so much to me then that my intense feelings for her are the only explanation I have as to why I can't let go. She was the first after my break up with my GF, she ticked so many boxes of what I want in somebody.. letting go of some form of dream is hard obviously.. especially when you had to give up (involuntarily) so many before. Just makes you cling on to them harder.
She was always more or less on my mind when I wrote my diss.. and she saw my AE status when I finished. Actually in JAN she already left me a message to say congrats for handing it in.. she thought I had finished then, not knowing I had anther extension till March. I replied a few lines to her then.. telling her about the new deadline.. she never replied.
Then when she saw that I did finsih in March she left me a message again, congratulating me and wishing me well. I didn't reply straight away.. I felt quite overwhelmed with finishing the diss and her message as such (still wondering why she contacted me again when she didn't reply to my other messages in the past). A few days later I replied.. and also sent her my birthday wishes (mid March) in the same message...alongside a few philosphical quotes about life and whathave you ( I received a present for my birthday from her, albeit late.. but my birthday in November was actually the last time we spoke and saw each other on cam and MSN).
Again.. I never received any reply or even lines to mine.
I never wrote anything accusing.. always wished her well for her life, etc.. but she never wrote anything back. I really was wondering why she contacted me in the first place. If she cared still so much about me that she felt compelled to wish me luck and congrats for my work then why never reply to my few lines that were totally neutral.
Fastforward a few weeks and I spoke to a friend on MSN for the first time in month (that is using MSN again). I still have her on my contact list there.. so I could see when she came online. Once the conversation with my friend ended.. I didn't rush it off..I sat there with my computer thinking...I still wanted answers from her re: not replying.. Her strange behaviour really puzzled me... so I plucked up the courage... and send her a line... saying Hi...asking if I was interrupting.. She said Hi back.. and no, she's free to talk.. and asking me what's up. I suppose she was surprised to get a message from me. I surprised myself in contacting her actually.
I eventually asked her quite straight out why she never replied (after thanking her for her messages as I genuinely felt she meant what she said in them) to my replies...
She paused.. and then said... she felt they didn't need replying. And that she sensed it was still difficult for me... and that if I would prefer she wouldn't contact me again in the future.
What a reply, no? Well.. I told her that I don't think I needed to type my answer in as to if I wanted her to contact me again as I felt we both knew the answer to that question anyway.
There was then some general talk.. wishing each other well... some pep talk from her to me (which I think was meant and not pretend, maybe only with a little bit of guilt, if at all), including how great I am, and how much I have to offer, and how easy it'll be for me to get somebody if I go and put myself on the dating market, bla bla...and then we just said goodbye to each other, again wishing each other well.
The whole convo lasted maybe 30 minutes... it was the first time since Nov 4th that I spoke to her directly again.. after that date there were the few emails that ensued after I mentioned a few things to her and then subsequently discovered about her and A (I'm sure I mentioned that in Jan or so I noticed she's now engaged to her).
On MSN she also now uses a pic of her and A... I conveniently shifted the messenger window so I couldn't see the pic while chatting to her. Seeing them (happily) together is too mcuh for me obviously... and even just seeing her picture on AE is still giving me stomach punch sensations.. incredible.. but sadly true.
Anyway.. I cried a little during the convo.. and afterwards (didn't tell her though).. and then proceeded to delete all emails of her... and all personal messages on AE...everything. The very first message I had from her (just initial contact, saying hi and thanking for the ad as a buddy on the site, etc)..the more steamy ones.. and the ones that followed the rupture between her and me. Including all my sent emails and PMs.. Totally everything, the lot. I had taken off all the files related to her from my computers before.. ok I admit they are on a CD, burnt on to it, but that cd is hidden, including my birthday present, the card and the envelope it came in. Deleting all this felt good and terrible at the same time. Like cutting the last cord..hopefully it will be more like a relief.. cutting a weight dragging you down.. and hopefully I can swim back to the surface.. I can't afford to go under, to drown in it..in her.

So.. that whole convo and action was sending me into quite some mood for the next weeks (while I'm also trying to deal with my work/career situation..the counselling situation... and my ex and her GF (she now lives with my ex, she previously lived abroad) and how they both behave in front of me and how it makes me feel in general and with regard to my ex, bla bla bla). Probably understandable that I wasn't in the most communicative mood.. and that you now have indeed unleased a beast and get a mega outpoor/update.