I don't even have a title for this one...

Having just come out of a chat to her, the first since November 08, the first direct interaction ever since, I'm emotional and drained.. Mostly I feel sad.. an opportunity gone, taken away without me being able to have done differently. A loss..thus the grief that ensued.
I wonder if I react like a child that has been taken away its favourite toy... but that's not the same situation is it? It's a different loss... another one.. on top of the others.

Yes, it was me who contacted her...I initiated the chat.. too curious about an answer I wanted. I got it.. and I can understand it , but it still doesn't taste nice nor go down well.
I miss her.. it's not the most overwhelming feeling.. but the hurt the loss leaves is. I grieve for somebody that was never meant to be...that never could be.. and dare I say wanted to be. I mourn the loss of somebody who was one person to me... and in RL maybe very different; yet what I had, or was given, appealed so much to me..and then it just went away. I didn't even have a chance to fight to hold on to what I felt was precious. Gone again.. like scooping water with your hands...so hard to get to it in the first place, digging through the mud (or shit even).. then keeping it in your hands is tricky.. but when it evades you despite your hardest efforts, all you can do is see the drops fall down and vaporise on the ground when they have left your palms...like tears running down your face...they dry eventually, but you can still feel them lingering on your cheeks for long, a reminder of the pain.

I want to believe what you told me.. I truely do.. I do not doubt you mean nothing but well.. despite everything. I so very much want to believe not only you, but all the others too... what you all see in me, I want to be and feel for myself... but the harder I try to narrow the gap of my own perception and yours..the more I want to believe in myself.. the more I fail.. and see nothing... Instead of narrowing the gap, my attempts result in seeing a wider gap than ever before. The more others see things in me, believe in me.. the less I see them in myself..and wonder who is wrong.. the others.. or me in my assessment. They cannot all be wrong..can they? So if they are not.. I must be, no? There's only those two outcomes..

It feels I have no control over myself anymore.. I don't know anything anymore.. and the more others try and tell me what I supposedly know, the more that discrepancy becomes apparent. Who am I... and what do I want? I don't know it.. and probably never have. But I must.. must be part of sth I feel is not me.. but then I don't know what I am.. and it becomes apparent I'm spinning and spinning in a vicious circle... with no eject button.. at least no permanent one. There's a temporary relief.. one hour a week... for only 11 more.... and then... I wonder.. will I spiral even more out of control?

The harder I try to let go.. the more it clings on to me... the harder I try to shake you off.. the more I don't want to loose you.. because I felt I made a good choice.. a careful choice, if it is a choice indeed; the heart chooses, not the brain.. and my heart did choose.. and I tried to tell the brain it was the right choice. And my brain, after careful consideration, agreed... and then both were made to being wrong. No wonder they are both in tatters now....

I so wanted you...and felt I had you...I could practically touch you..albeit like through a glass wall that seperated us... but I could feel it.. could feel you...and then it the room and glass turned black from one second to the other.. no longer was I able to see and feel.. and hear and be... lights switched off. Back in that dark room.. no lights, no windows.. The breath of fresh air, first so hard to take in because it was so strong and mindblowing, gone as quickly as it had come into that dark cell. You give.. and when you take and like what you are given how can you not struggle when it's gone.

I cannot give anymore.. I don't have the energy. Having enabled so many times I want to receive... and when I do, it's taken away. What is left to do in that situation then.. who can be so strong to continue...can I be so strong? I don't feel like it.. at all.. yet have to keep going.. I don't even have a choice to rest.. and stop.. I have to go with the flow.. and what really matters, me, is left behind.. sad and lonely... grieving, mourning, hurting and sad...and tears are rolling down my face...