it's been a while...

and actually I'm not in a blogging mood at all... in bed already, well past 1am, but anyways... I guess I just can't seem to get my thoughts together, never actually mind getting them down in print.

So much is happening (or not) right now that at times my head feels like too full of thoughts.

Gotta find a job, but too scared... gotta rewrite my CV for that.. what the hell can a nobody put on that so freaking important piece of paper? I just don't have what it takes to go to where I want to be. It seems so pointless to face your own misery, no wonder I'm such a great procrastinator. It's pure anxiety.

Gotta face that in exactly 11 weeks I will no longer be able to receive counselling.. the one and only thing in my life that has provided me with stability for the past two or so years. I'm dreading it.. my only emotional outlet, one measly hour a week...and it's being taken away from me...I think I'll go crazy. How on earth wil I be able to cope without Jo...who is a stranger whilst at the same time probably the only person on this planet who knows the real me. Never have I come across somebody so empathic and sympathetic towards me without demanding anything back. It took so long for me to realise this, and at times I still don't get it. But I'm not supposed to..she'S there for me, but only 11 more times. And then... a big void and emptiness.. like the rest of my life. My only walking aid will be gone...knowing exactly that I am not fit enough to walk on my own. I hate the powerlessness..I hate it...and dread it.

Gotta deal with my ex's new GF..and how they interact with each other.. I see her having matured as a person... probably thanks to me.. but seriously.. I can't take that anymore. I want a person who is out.. I can't keep enabling people who then leave me. I am not jealous as such.. but I wished she was more out with me.. like she seems now with her new GF...despite the many hickups the two have had.. and probably will continue to have. I just don't want to be the enabler anymore.. and then be dumped. It makes me feel used. And it drains or has drained me to the point where I no longer have the energy to cope with it. Nor do I want to. I have no energy and drive already..the little left, if any at all, has to be preserved for me and my own good. If not I'll just crumble.

On a different note..I have a ticket to a PvD gig in Leeds... and am hoping that his 4hour set will be like a four hour full body orgasm.. although I am well aware that expecting so much right now may very well end up in disappointment eventually.. so I better not get my hopes up too much. Still.. I hope it'll be great.. but I wish I could have taken her with me.. I'm sure she would have loved it. You don't know what you have missed out on.. namely me...but you chose sb else.. it makes me so very sad.